Thursday, February 24, 2005

Last night, like most any other night, when I go to bed, I feel compelled to write something. Something I'm feeling or something about my day. I was thinking the other night about how I often don't really know what I'm feeling. It's like numbness. Blankness. Emotional paralysis. It used to be that I could always express my feelings in some way. But when it's not anger or happiness which show so readily on my face and resonate in my voice, how would I describe to someone what I'm feeling? I guess I'd have to say I'm feeling thoughtful, reflective, maybe tranquil. Sometimes I have to wonder if I've learned to hide some emotions the same way I learned to hide sadness and tears. I remember how I learned that too. Crying during an argument or a sad movie. If I'd cry during an argument, Jesse said I was doing it purposefully to manipulate him with my tears. Who wants to be accused of trying to pry another person's feelings or actions this way? Not me. So I learned not to do that. Like a Pavlovian dog. I learned not to let my true feelings show. To transform them into something else. If I'd cry during a sad movie *or part of a movie* Jesse laughed at me. Who wants to be laughed at when their feeling exposed and vulnerable? Not me. So again I learned. I learned to suddenly need to go to the bathroom when I felt a little misty-eyed. I learned to fan my eyes to dry tears up before they spilled out. I learned how to turn my head at just the right angle so no one could see that some stupid sappy movie was having an emotional effect on me. Ever since I realized the other night that I often feel kind of emotionless, nondescript, I've decided to ask myself every night How Do I Feel Right Now? When I can't answer simply and quickly, I pursue it. I'm on a mission to "get in touch with my feelings" no matter how cliche it might sound. I think it's important.
Lesson Learned: Never let anything or anyone make you feel uncomfortable about or ashamed of your feelings to the point you learn to hide them even from yourself. Just ride the waves on your ocean of emotion! Posted by Hello

Wildcat @ 12:31 PM | permalink |


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